Because whenever you get drunk, you tell me how ugly I am.

Because I kind of hate myself.

Because black boyfriends generally do not appreciate MSTRKRFT.

Because I don't feel like telling any more gay men that their attraction towards me is utter confusion.

Because it's hard to get good friction when the only men you can get to sleep with you carry SUVs in their stomach.

Because Zach just called me bro.